SEC Coaches as Christmas Characters

by Brendan Paschal

With Christmas quickly approaching, I thought it would be fun to combine two of my favorite things – SEC Football and Christmas Movies. Sure, this is not the typical analytical stuff we normally do. And yes, maybe I should work for buzzfeed. But ‘Tis the Season!

Nick Saban: The Grinch

You’re a mean one, Mr. Saban. While everyone else is enjoying a 45-point blowout against New Mexico State, you’re still a cranky old man yelling at your third-string freshman right guard because he missed his assignment. Those are the moments where people start to wonder if you really do have garlic in your soul. Albeit, Coach Saban has been known to let loose every now and then, moments after a National Championship win. But then it’s back up to his cave.

Sam Pittman: Yukon Cornelius

Much like Yukon Cornelius Sam Pittman enters the story when our heroes need him the most. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was in dire need of a brilliant prospector with all the best intentions. Pittman was a great hire for Arkansas. With his offensive intellect and experience coaching for the Razorbacks, he might just be the man who brings them back to their former glory.

Gus Malzahn: Winter Warlock

The Winter Warlock is one evil dude. He doesn’t like any human entering his domain, and will trap anyone who enters. His icy heart prevents him from feeling any emotions. That is until Kris Kringle brings him a Choo-Choo Train. Replace that Choo-Choo Train with a quarterback who can effectively run his offense, and Malzahn’s icy heart melts away.

Dan Mullen: Cousin Eddie

This comparison is nothing new, but just like Christmas movies, it never gets old. Not only does Mullen look like Cousin Eddie, but they are also both goofballs. Furthermore, Cousin Eddie shows up unannounced and almost ruins Clark Griswold’s Christmas. Mullen would love nothing more than to be the one who ruins Kirby Smart’s season.

Kirby Smart: Clark Griswold

Both Smart and Griswold are the type of guys people are jealous of. It seems like they have everything going for them. However, both men continue to get knocked down by unforeseen circumstances, which prevents them from obtaining their goals. Griswold’s entire family shows up for Christmas, which is a fiasco. If that weren’t enough, his boss decides not to give out Christmas bonuses, the very means of which Griswold was planning to pay for a pool in the backyard.

Smart has also been so close to reaching his goal of a National Championship only to have that trophy snatched away from his hands. Many fans would kill to see their team consistently reach the SEC Championship, and think Georgia fans are ungrateful. There are teams with losing records out there!!

But imagine you’re Griswold or Smart. There is constant pressure to do better no matter how close you get, or how hard you try. You get so close to reaching your dream, only to watch it disappear right in front of your own very eyes. Makes you almost pity him….almost.

Mark Stoops: John McClane

People debate whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie or not. They also debate whether Kentucky is a football school or not. Mark Stoops is changing the narrative at Kentucky. Although they might always be a “basketball school” there is no denying that the Wildcats deserve some respect on the football field. McClane is one bad mamma jamma, and so is Stoops.

Ed Orgeron: The Abominable Snowman

He’s big, he’s scary, and nobody can understand him. Wait, am I talking about Coach O or the Abominable Snowman? Either way nobody wants to cross paths with these two.

Eli Drinkwitz : Hermey the Elf 

This is the last Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer comparison, I promise. Drinkwitz has very little experience in the SEC with even less as a head coach. Hermey wants to be a dentist, but also lacks experience. Although they face criticism from the “haters” both Drinkwitz and Hermey know their worth and potential for greatness. Plus, they’re both kind of nerdy…

Lane Kiffin: Jack Frost

Every conference and movie needs a good villain. In Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Jack Frost attempts on ruining Christmas by taking over the North Pole. Lane Kiffin returns to the SEC as a head coach, and plots to ruin some seasons in the West. Many don’t like Kiffin outside of Ole Miss, but one thing is for certain. He will certainly be entertaining.

Joe Moorhead: Any Santa Clause Ever

A jolly old man, with a white beard, and rosey cheeks. I’m positive if Joe Moorhead ever retires and is looking to pass the time any shopping mall would seriously consider his application during the holiday season. Plus, I’m sure the real Santa Clause would love to have him on his team.

Will Muschamp: George Bailey

George Bailey is a hard-working and decent man. But sometimes life hits hard, and it’s hard to see the bigger picture. Bailey finds himself thinking the world would be a better place without him. It’s not until until his guardian angel, Clarence Odbody, shines some light on what the world would be if Bailey had never existed.

2019 hit South Carolina hard as they finished the season with a 4-8 record. Some fans were calling for Muschamp’s job. But if Gamecock fans could look into a world without Boom I think they would find themselves in a much darker place. Sometimes a little perspective is all you need to restore your faith.

Jeremy Pruitt: Charlie Brown

I initially picked Charlie Brown because neither one has much hair, and both are shapely characters. However, they have more similarities than just their features. Much like Charlie Brown, Pruitt gets ridiculed by those who are supposed to support him. At the start of the 2019 season it seemed like Pruitt was nothing but a blockhead who couldn’t do anything right. But as the season progressed people started to realize that his team wasn’t such a bad looking team.

Jimbo Fisher: Bob Wallace

Two gentlemen who seem to mature like fine wine, they get better as they age. Both Fisher and Wallace have an unbelievable budget, and money is no obstacle. They are good at what they do while making it all look too easy. That being said, Jimbo… time to cash in on one of those recruiting classes.

Derek Mason: Dudley

Much like Dudley from The Preacher’s Wife, Derek Mason has been known to perform a miracle or two. Derek Mason and Dudley are capable of taking struggling organizations and bringing them back to life. Neither the church or Vanderbilt will become the most successful compared to others in their field, but they are good enough to bring joy to those who attend.