Front Porch FootballClemson Hate Week
by Gedney Howe
When the brothers Paschal consider all of the people qualified to write this, they will be considering all of the people they should have asked instead of giving me the go-ahead. So why should I be given this honor? Could it be that I’m a football junkie who tracks stats like it’s my job? No. Maybe I’m a die-hard Gamecock? Less wrong, but still kind of wrong.
No, I am one who thrives on conflict and who doesn’t shy away from tossing a few lighthearted jabs motivated by arbitrary “hatred” for a rival that affects me in precisely zero ways. Most importantly is that I may, allegedly, be a bit of a showboat, which is why the first two paragraphs are about me.
With such a long and violent history to look back on, what’s not to love about this rivalry?
1901 (“The Riot”) You’ve got Clemson Cadets trying to march on campus armed to the teeth, only to turn tail and run after a run-in with some turn of the century, gat-toting, frat-gods who were very much “about that life.” This would be a perfect place to make some comment about 2019 football fans being snowflakes, but I’m not trying to catch charges for inciting a riot.
1943 Cary Cox, former Captain of the Clemson football squad, wants to serve his country, so he comes to USC for officer training only to be told he’d be blacklisted if he didn’t play for Carolina that year, and by God did we whoop ‘em.
1946 A couple of carpet-bagging, Yankee, sum-bitches from New York almost kick off another riot selling bogus tickets. Bonus points for ’46 because a Clemson fan stormed the field and choked a chicken on the 50 at halftime, which finished the job the Yankees started and did cause a riot, go figure.
1952 Details don’t matter; what’s important is that SoCon tried to pull some BS about Carolina and Clemson not playing each other. Well, the legislature wasn’t having it (presumably due to sizable bets on the game), so the State passed a law mandating the game be played that year. If I were a better law student, I could likely find the bill, but I ain’t, so I didn’t.
1959 Was truly the end of an era, no longer would the unwashed illiterate masses of the Clemson student body have to make the pilgrimage to Columbia every year, from here on out the people of Columbia would have to slum it one day every other year in cow country.
1961 Now, this is a big one. I heard about this growing up from my old man who was a ΣΝ. The boys of ΣΝ figured that those Clemson students didn’t have it bad enough, despite having to go to school in Clemson. So, they moseyed on down to Orangeburg and rustled themselves up some football uniforms (shout out OW). Around comes game-time and outruns, what appears to be, the Clemson team complete with Frank Howard. The Tiger Rag kicks off and all seems right with the world. All of a sudden, the players start falling over during warm-ups, dropping passes, and blowing kicks. An eagle-eyed Clemson fan takes a hard look, despite being crossed, at “Frank Howard” and says to his buddy, “Hey, that fella ain’t really fat, he’s got pillows stuffed in his shirt.” Now, this is where my old man and my lackadaisical Wiki research differ, and I am certainly not one to let the truth get in the way of a good story. So, after realizing they’d been had, the Clemson fans start to make a move on the field, but before they can make it down, the actual Clemson team runs out onto the field to meet the ΣΝ boys. “Big G,” as they call him, says that this brawl was so outrageous that it made headlines around the world. He maintains to this day, the ΣΝ house at USC has a framed clipping from a Moscow newspaper about the incident.
1977 Not real sure what the big deal is, it looks like there was somebody’s Butler at the game or something.
1984 Clemson blows a 21-3 lead in the last three minutes of the game, ya hate to see it.
1992 Legends say that Steve Taneyhill single-handedly spanked a live tiger, signed his name on the tiger paw at the 50, and invented the dab just before catching a fat W.
2004 The final game of His Majesty, Lou Holtz, Patron Saint of Coke Bottle Glasses. General Lou led his troops into one final battle in which they were routed by the hillbillies. Now you might have heard or read that some feller named “Dabo” (that’s not even a name) said he saw Lou clinging onto a player’s leg. I’m here to tell you that’s a damn dirty lie, because I seen it on the TV and remember it like it was yesterday. Lou came out of the tunnel on an all-white horse, he rode across the field and smacked Dabo right in his mouth. And if I’m lying may absolutely nothing happen to me because this article is for entertainment purposes only.
2007 Absolute legend, Stephen Garcia, begins at USC as a freshman. Doesn’t have too terrible much to do with the rest of this article, but I’d bet dollars to donuts ‘07 Garcia could party Trevor Lawrence under a table. God speed Stephen, God speed.
Since then, things have been relatively quiet, which I suppose is for the best. We’ve won a few and lost a few, just a couple. What really matters is this, sure its Clemson hate week, sure they smell, can’t read, and are generally doo-doo heads, but we have one thing in common, we both live in the greatest state in this country. I mean, can you imagine having to live in New Jersey, California, or, God forbid, Florida?
Happy Hate Week, folks, see you at Willy-B.
Gedney Howe is a law student at the University of South Carolina. Student is a strong word. Exceedingly handsome, loved by all. Will always find a way to avoid studying.
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