The Army Mule

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by Chris Paschal

I write this submission merely as a defense of all that is true and sacred, and not as a chance to try and enter into the competition. I want to be painfully clear. Even if I received the most votes, I would not award myself a Yeti Rambler for two reasons. First, because I don’t need a cup that encourages me to pour in frothy beverages that hurt not only my waistline, but my soul. Second, because it wouldn’t be right for the man that helps run the competition to award himself with the prize. This isn’t the Soviet Union. This is Front Porch Football.

That being said, I respectfully and proudly submit that the Army Mule is not only my favorite mascot, but also the best mascot. Since 1899, a mule has represented our nation’s first military academy, the United States Military Academy, and has done a dang good job doing it.

Image from United States Military Academy

The mule is an excellent mascot for two reasons. First, the mule is historically relevant. For decades, even centuries, the mule was used by the U.S. Army to help transport and haul supplies and gear across this great nation and overseas. In fact, even as recently as the War in Afghanistan, mules were used to navigate treacherous passage ways where vehicles could not move. Without the mule, our nation’s greatest triumphs and victories might not have been possible. The second reason the mule is an excellent mascot is because in a lot of ways, a mule perfectly embodies what it means to be a West Point Football Player. Like mules, these gentlemen are reliable.

There is a reason why General George Marshall, Chief of Staff of the Army during the Second World War, famously said, “I want an officer for a secret and dangerous mission. I want a West Point football player.” It’s because West Point Football players are reliable. They are also brave, tough, and intelligent, characteristics also found in a mule. According to John Hauer’s work, The Natural Superiority of Mules, a mule is the perfect animal needed in high-stress, high-stakes situations. Mules are as strong and determined as a donkey, while possessing the grace and speed of a horse. Rarely does an offspring take the best characteristics of both of its parents, but somehow the mule did.

When I watch Ahmad Bradshaw plow his way into the endzone for a late, game-changing touchdown against Navy in 2016, or when I watch John Voit (a defensive tackle) sprint down the field to catch Navy’s fastest player (Malcolm Perry) and prevent a touchdown, I am reminded that much like a mule, these men are tough, brave, and smart.

Image from United States Military Academy

The reason I passionately defend the Army Mule and its place in the pantheon of college mascots, is because a dear friend of mine, Matt Waldman, submitted a very well-written, enjoyable piece about the Navy Goat. And while Waldman is very deserving of your vote, I couldn’t stand idly by as the Goat received some love while the Mule did not. My father attended West Point, and every Fall we come together as father and son and watch Army Football.

Army Football is as much a part of me as SEC Football is, which is surprising to most since Brendan and I created a website about SEC Football and not Army Football. Nevertheless, maybe because of my dad, or maybe because I have in turn become an Army Football fan myself, I had to submit the Army Mule as my favorite mascot. The Mule is as West Point as Heisman Trophy Winner, Pete Dawkins, the hallowed grounds the Academy sits upon, and the Long Grey Line that stands ready to defend our country from any foe or enemy we may face.

Chris is a Wofford Graduate who now attends The University of South Carolina School of Law. But what he is best known as is the brother of Brendan Paschal, creator of some of the funniest SEC-related videos out there. He is a co-founder of Front Porch Football.